part2 of a very bad night

i really hate to leave my blog with that as its last post for the day. i really hate that i had to post it at all. seriously. thats lame.

well, everyone has decisions to make in life. i can wish until i'm blue in the face that his death didnt happen, but i will never be able to change his decision. even though he was never really in my life, i'm sad that there is no chance for him to ever be. i'm very sad for what this is going to do to my mother. i couldnt even imagine. she didnt actually see him do it or see the results of what he did. but there was a whole ordeal through the evening and somewhat prior to the kaboom (no pun intended, really) and this event isnt something someone just "gets over." for her sake, i hope she can truely come to terms with the situation and not blame herself. she didnt pull the trigger.

she asked me if i would come down. i dont think i'm going to. ben could be leaving at a day's notice for korea. granted, this would be grounds to take some time off and he could go with me, but what happens to my mom when i leave? then she has to morn us leaving too? i think the support system my mom has locally is what she needs right now. i'm totally avaliable to her at any time of day or night, but i dont think i should actually be there. maybe i should go. i'm going to be there in a few weeks for thanksgiving. oh, i dont know. we'll see what happens tomorrow.

speaking of tomorrow, i'm really worried about what his daughter is going to do. she's never reacted well to bad situations and she's really never had a good relationship with my mom. actually the two of them pretty well hated one another. so, i dont want his daughter to try to express her pain by attempting to take it out on my mother one way or another.

well, i feel better after putting some of my emotions & thoughts down into words that i can understand. i certainly dont understand why. i can understand that life moves on and thats a fact, jack!